It's taken me from adolescence to middle age to start to come to terms with the suicidal teen I once was.
At 14 I saw no reason to keep living and tried to hang myself. I was then committed to a mental hospital for two years. During those years, I tried more and more ghastly methods until, when I failed twice using a foolproof method, I crossed a line--a threshold. I never attempted suicide again. That's not to say I didn't entertain the idea.
I was, however, introduced to Eastern philosophy shortly thereafter, which helped me create new options in my life.
Nonetheless, over the years, I've buried that excruciating time in my life. It was the only way for me to move forward and get on with my life. No, the pain didn't entirely go away, but it became less acute.
Now, with the luxury of time, I can look back without turning into a pillar of salt. Now,I'm a very different person. I'm a published poet, with five book credits and hundreds of journal publications to my name. I teach in a number of colleges and schools and am generally a well adjusted, happy person. In fact, most people can't reconcile the basically cheerful person I am with the miserable boy I was, a boy who considered himself utterly worthless.
Although I do not claim to be a professional, I've done some research on the topic of adolescent suicide. The statistics vary; nonetheless, they're shocking. Some reports indicate that every two hours, a teenager takes his or her life in the US.
Among gay teens, the number is five times as high. Girls try more frequently, but boys are more often successful. Sadly, boys are still taught to repress their emotions; as a result, they don't seek help and end up feeling trapped. Hence, the higher rate of suicides. No, times haven't really changed that much.
To be sure, growing up gay in a small town in South Jersey marked me as an outcast. I didn't know I was gay, but, boy, the kids sure did. And they wasted no opportunity to bully, abuse, degrade, and beat me.
While times are infinitely better now, they're not that different. I've worked in schools and have seen how kids who are perceived to be gay are still singled out for bullying. The most appalling thing is the apathy among the adults.
That doesn't have to be the case. I made it through an infernal period of my life, thanks to a few key adults who recognized my talents and my humanity. They reached out to me, for which I am forever grateful.
It is my hope that other adults like me, who once fell into a bottomless pit of self-loathing and depression can reach out to kids like us. Surely, we can do something to let them know they're not alone.
